I really enjoyed last week's post on ambition and this one! They are definitely related. I'm in a slight dilemma with graduate school myself. A few years back I battled cancer and have been dealing with recovering from that devastation/hijacking of one's life since. After completeng treatment, I resigned from my job teaching in a dance department at a university. Long story short - I couldn't find other permanent work that fit with my life and skillset. I kept throwing darts, on of which was applying to a PhD program in Adult Education. I got a fabulous scholarship that paid all but my fees and would allow for me to be a grad assistant and earn a paycheck teaching/researching. I had no other open doors so I proceeded even though I had never aspired for this at all. In fact, I had a good deal of awkard feelings about it, coming from a family that never went to college. Anyway, I completed my first year and hated most of it; not the learning, not the people (they were/are stellar!), but the full time student aspect of it and the style of writing it requires. Bleh! I don't want to write like that. I just started a full time position at the university in an advising department. This will pay my tution and the fees and allow me to go part-time. So I am proceeding (for now) but still don't know if it is worth it. Originally, the door opened and I walked through because it was the only viable open door. You ask about wanting - I never wanted it to begin with but it would likely open doors for me that my arts background hasn't. I'm middle aged, female, and have gaps in my resume. I aspire to more than this current position that I am doing but do I need to continue with the PhD? Is it time to walk away? TBD - I will use your questions to assist me. :)
Thanks so much for sharing, Misti. We all walk through certain doors at different times not so much because we want to, but because it fulfills a need in the moment. Especially when that needs speaks to sustenance and security, and you've been through something tough. Part of what we want, in those moments, is just to be able to breathe again to feel a bit more healing and stable ground beneath our feet. And, whatever means is available to us to get there, saying yes can serve that core want and need. Sounds like that's where you've been. As to where you might explore going from here, just keep asking the questions, and trying different things. Often times, we can't think or plan our way to an answer, we've got to do our way to it. And it sounds like you're well into that journey. Just keep staying curious and running the experiments. Cheering you on!
Thank you, Jonathan. I agree, we must "do our way to it" at times. I don't need certainty or immediate answers, I just don't want to use my energy and resources unwisely because they are precious. It will all wash out in the end. Thanks again for your writing and response. You are a gem!
Thank you for sharing your experience. These questions are very helpful. I’ve appreciated your work for many years and I’m someone who has all the degrees! 🙏
Thanks so much for the kind words, Caitlin. So glad the questions are helpful. And, I love that you have all the degrees. So do many of my friends and colleagues. There's room for all of us!
STELLAR post. Those questions! You've given me/us a lot to ponder. Thank you...and Parker Palmer...I've just discovered him and am so glad I have. Will listen to your conversation with him on my morning ramble....
I totally agree with going a layer deeper to challenge your actual motivation and consider tradeoffs.
However, I’ve had really magical turning points in my life where I felt compelled to do something, I didn’t fully understand why, but I did it anyways despite the fear. The gift that came from such decisions was, in many cases, entirely unpredictable for me ahead of the journey. Example: quitting my job and traveling leading me to Buddhism.
Sometimes I think a deeper knowing within us is drawn to something, and even if we can’t quite articulate why we want it up front, it can be important to follow without too much analysis. Otherwise, we might end up getting trapped in our fear of the unknown or the comfort of not changing.
This post couldn't be more well timed for me. I am catching up on your substack after a week's holiday in NYC. That trip solidified my love for the US and years-long desire to live and work in the US. I am Irish, therefore being a non-American, working and living in the US is reliant on a visa. My mind has been jumping to a variety of different scenarios in order to obtain one - the most obvious/predictable one being, get a master's degree in journalism. This has incidentally been floating around in my mind for months now, (years if I am being fully honest). But the thing is, and rather similar to you, I am flinching at that thought. Why? Because it is a huge commitment of time, money, energy for something that my mind feels is safe and predictable, ie if I was successfully accepted then X years of my life will be planned versus if I opted for a less traditional pathway to a visa, there is more unpredictability and uncertainty there...which is scary. But deep down, I believe that there is a way, a more true, weird, exciting way. So all of this to say that your post has prompted me to take a step back from the thought process and to understand the truest "why" behind it all. Appreciate you and your thoughtful posts, Jonathan - thank you!
I was listening to your latest podcast and was struck by this topic. I am an instructional designer and decided I "NEEDED" a doctorate in educational psychology so my faculty would listen to me. So, I started down this path. And the pandemic hit. And instruction went online. And faculty fell apart. And I saw a lot of things behind the curtain that unfortunately I couldn't unsee. And I lost the will to finish this thing. I talk to a lot of other folks in academia and they are like, "You can't give up." "Don't stop." "You've sunk so much time into it." But listening to you and your situation this morning, it rang so true. I am 56 years old. My husband is almost 70. There's not a lot of time left to do living. I just got my first official grandchild. My faculty don't care if I have a doctorate or not. They care how I communicate and collaborate with them. And like you, I read the research or books I need to to do the practical things. But every day, I was wondering...what if...should I... Until today. Answering the prompts and hearing your story of how you worked through practically the same scenario really helped.
It's tough, though...that theory of sunk costs, Or the giving up the dream of being called "Doctor..." It's really tough. After running across this essay and really considering the questions, I feel much better in saying..."This really isn't worth it." Thanks! :) m
I really enjoyed last week's post on ambition and this one! They are definitely related. I'm in a slight dilemma with graduate school myself. A few years back I battled cancer and have been dealing with recovering from that devastation/hijacking of one's life since. After completeng treatment, I resigned from my job teaching in a dance department at a university. Long story short - I couldn't find other permanent work that fit with my life and skillset. I kept throwing darts, on of which was applying to a PhD program in Adult Education. I got a fabulous scholarship that paid all but my fees and would allow for me to be a grad assistant and earn a paycheck teaching/researching. I had no other open doors so I proceeded even though I had never aspired for this at all. In fact, I had a good deal of awkard feelings about it, coming from a family that never went to college. Anyway, I completed my first year and hated most of it; not the learning, not the people (they were/are stellar!), but the full time student aspect of it and the style of writing it requires. Bleh! I don't want to write like that. I just started a full time position at the university in an advising department. This will pay my tution and the fees and allow me to go part-time. So I am proceeding (for now) but still don't know if it is worth it. Originally, the door opened and I walked through because it was the only viable open door. You ask about wanting - I never wanted it to begin with but it would likely open doors for me that my arts background hasn't. I'm middle aged, female, and have gaps in my resume. I aspire to more than this current position that I am doing but do I need to continue with the PhD? Is it time to walk away? TBD - I will use your questions to assist me. :)
Thanks so much for sharing, Misti. We all walk through certain doors at different times not so much because we want to, but because it fulfills a need in the moment. Especially when that needs speaks to sustenance and security, and you've been through something tough. Part of what we want, in those moments, is just to be able to breathe again to feel a bit more healing and stable ground beneath our feet. And, whatever means is available to us to get there, saying yes can serve that core want and need. Sounds like that's where you've been. As to where you might explore going from here, just keep asking the questions, and trying different things. Often times, we can't think or plan our way to an answer, we've got to do our way to it. And it sounds like you're well into that journey. Just keep staying curious and running the experiments. Cheering you on!
Thank you, Jonathan. I agree, we must "do our way to it" at times. I don't need certainty or immediate answers, I just don't want to use my energy and resources unwisely because they are precious. It will all wash out in the end. Thanks again for your writing and response. You are a gem!
Thank you for sharing your experience. These questions are very helpful. I’ve appreciated your work for many years and I’m someone who has all the degrees! 🙏
Thanks so much for the kind words, Caitlin. So glad the questions are helpful. And, I love that you have all the degrees. So do many of my friends and colleagues. There's room for all of us!
STELLAR post. Those questions! You've given me/us a lot to ponder. Thank you...and Parker Palmer...I've just discovered him and am so glad I have. Will listen to your conversation with him on my morning ramble....
So glad the questions resonated. And, yes, Parker, truly an incredible human
I totally agree with going a layer deeper to challenge your actual motivation and consider tradeoffs.
However, I’ve had really magical turning points in my life where I felt compelled to do something, I didn’t fully understand why, but I did it anyways despite the fear. The gift that came from such decisions was, in many cases, entirely unpredictable for me ahead of the journey. Example: quitting my job and traveling leading me to Buddhism.
Sometimes I think a deeper knowing within us is drawn to something, and even if we can’t quite articulate why we want it up front, it can be important to follow without too much analysis. Otherwise, we might end up getting trapped in our fear of the unknown or the comfort of not changing.
Totally agree. We always need to leave room for intuition and serendipity in the process.
This post couldn't be more well timed for me. I am catching up on your substack after a week's holiday in NYC. That trip solidified my love for the US and years-long desire to live and work in the US. I am Irish, therefore being a non-American, working and living in the US is reliant on a visa. My mind has been jumping to a variety of different scenarios in order to obtain one - the most obvious/predictable one being, get a master's degree in journalism. This has incidentally been floating around in my mind for months now, (years if I am being fully honest). But the thing is, and rather similar to you, I am flinching at that thought. Why? Because it is a huge commitment of time, money, energy for something that my mind feels is safe and predictable, ie if I was successfully accepted then X years of my life will be planned versus if I opted for a less traditional pathway to a visa, there is more unpredictability and uncertainty there...which is scary. But deep down, I believe that there is a way, a more true, weird, exciting way. So all of this to say that your post has prompted me to take a step back from the thought process and to understand the truest "why" behind it all. Appreciate you and your thoughtful posts, Jonathan - thank you!
Sounds like an exciting moment. Either way, some adventure begins.
Jonathan, thank you so much for writing and sharing this. It helped me a lot!
Love from Brasil 🇧🇷
So glad it helped, Maria!
I was listening to your latest podcast and was struck by this topic. I am an instructional designer and decided I "NEEDED" a doctorate in educational psychology so my faculty would listen to me. So, I started down this path. And the pandemic hit. And instruction went online. And faculty fell apart. And I saw a lot of things behind the curtain that unfortunately I couldn't unsee. And I lost the will to finish this thing. I talk to a lot of other folks in academia and they are like, "You can't give up." "Don't stop." "You've sunk so much time into it." But listening to you and your situation this morning, it rang so true. I am 56 years old. My husband is almost 70. There's not a lot of time left to do living. I just got my first official grandchild. My faculty don't care if I have a doctorate or not. They care how I communicate and collaborate with them. And like you, I read the research or books I need to to do the practical things. But every day, I was wondering...what if...should I... Until today. Answering the prompts and hearing your story of how you worked through practically the same scenario really helped.
It's tough, though...that theory of sunk costs, Or the giving up the dream of being called "Doctor..." It's really tough. After running across this essay and really considering the questions, I feel much better in saying..."This really isn't worth it." Thanks! :) m