I loved this post immensely, then felt a deep sinking about half way when you mentioned a village. I would love to offer the thought also that whilst many of us don’t have the skills/resources/support to handle more than enough, many of us don’t also have access to a village. Just naming it as it’s not an easy ‘solution’ for many as it can often sound.
As a single parent carer to a child with severe ND and MH issues our village is almost extinct - circumstances, systems, location, family health issues, financial restraints. Sometimes that all adds up to not a whole lot of people around you or available to you.
I wholeheartedly agree it takes a village - I just wanted to name not all us of us can find/access/build a village…..so often I choose to believe I’m never facing more than I can handle because it gets me through another day. And for that I am grateful 🫶
An excellent post-I especially relate to your idea of first wave pain-second wave shame. I know it, I just never could name it. As a chronic pain patient, I have no choice but to handle it. My "village" of family, friends, doctors can only do so much. Friends and family grow weary of the restrictions chronic pain puts on my life and by extension theirs. They can choose to walk away or look away. I cannot. So whether I use self-help, meditation, asking source/God for support or screaming into my pillow, I must and do handle sometimes more than I think I am able and I do this one minute at a time.
Pain has been a part of my journey as well, Alice. We hosted a recent conversation on the Good Life Project podcast with a dear friend, Samira, Rajabi, about "invisible pain," which often compounds the sense of isolation. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Thank you for this terrific post! I think we need more like it. There was a long stretch of time where all three of my children were suffering from life-threatening chronic illnesses. Unfortunately, my village thought that it would be better if only I thought the correct thoughts. The problem was that I was unenlightened. Obviously. Otherwise how could so many bad things be happening? I must have somehow deserved it.
It was devastating, and added so much more stress to my already overwrought nervous system. Then I became angry and during that extremely difficult time, I couldn’t find a way to explain how devastating their comments were.
It also seemed to me that they were doing it out of fear. If it could happen to me, then it could happen to anybody, even them and their kids. Luckily, I was able to find a trauma group where I was able to find support and not one single person said things like, “everything happens for a reason.” I think, if you took a vote, this would be the least favorite of people who are overwhelmed or in crisis. Makes me want to throw something.
Like Mary Ellen, I very often choose to believe that I can handle what comes my way. Not always, or at least not right away because some shit just seems impossible. But that’s my choice, nobody else gets to tell me what I can or can’t handle.
I think a big part of the problem lies in a lack of education. Not enough of us know how to be supportive when our friends and loved ones are in crisis or how to recognize and deal with the feelings it might bring up for us. The more of us who are talking about it, the better. ❤️ So appreciative of your thoughtful work.
This - "It also seemed to me that they were doing it out of fear. If it could happen to me, then it could happen to anybody, even them and their kids" - I think that's so true. It's often not out of malice, but rather not wanting to own the possibility of our own exposure. Thanks for sharing, Janet.
Thanks for this thoughtful post. It sure rings true for me. I’ve experienced that “advice” along with its double whammy “Everything happens for a reason" in the most overwhelming of circumstances. They brought no comfort. I really appreciate your exploration of this.
Thanks for bringing to life thoughts I’ve carried with me. How I cringe when I hear someone say, as you said, “the universe wouldn’t give you more than you can handle”-life and profound grief and circumstance can be too much.
And sometimes staring at it, in its rawness, is all you can do.
Such a refreshing post after way too much of “ you must manifest abundance and the universe will support”” bullshit going around on social media esp youtube. Too much “sprouting”, too little genuine love, care, empathy and support for those struggling with overload, mental and financial in a post covid world. Thank you very much, Jonathan. A real gem.
2024 has been an incredibly challenging year for me. I lost a business to a takeover - lots of emotions to process there. I made a choice to leave, and it was a good decision. My support system is deep and I’ve leaned on them heavily. Wake-Up Call #35 put words to a bill of goods I was sold by well- meaning coaches/friends - it’s all mind-set and all up to me. I’m not one to shirk responsibility on problems I’m involved in, but this advice felt very much like blame/shame. If I just changed my mindset - it would all be better. So continue to be a contrarian, Friend. We in the trenches, need you. Thank you!
Sounds so tough, Elizabeth. Thanks for sharing. So glad your support system is deep, and you've leaned on them. Imagine a world where we all have people like that.
Thank You for this post. I have read this simple phrase so many times but this year has proven it to be thoroughly incorrect & ill thought. This year has & continues to throw more pain & stressfull events at me than I have ever known. I have just about kept my head above water but continuous toxicity at work is proving to be the straw to break the camels back. At the end of a year of loss, cancer & utter, bitter dissapointment I had reached the "this is more than I can bear". You're right, that brings guilt & a sense of failure. Thank You for this, I needed to read this to know that I am not failing, simply struggling to keep afloat just now.
Thanks for sharing, Tracey. Sounds like an incredibly challenging year. You are not failing, just doing the best you can in this human experience, which is sometimes just hard.
Love this post! Thank you 🙏 It's grounded in reality because ad resourceful as we are as humans, sometimes life deals us a hand where we need to seek out support or help. It doesn't mean we've failed or are less than a whole human being. I think there's a lot of awareness I'm realising we can't handle something and a lot of strength in reaching out elsewhere 🩷
As a support person for a rotating group of grieving parents for over 30 years, the laughs come from quoting the stupidest things that we are told in order to “comfort.” The one you cite in your marvelous essay is toward the top. Then there is the “Christian“ who says with great authority that Jesus must have needed your child more than you did. Oh, I feel so much better. It goes and on we have imagined creating a book of our own, to hand it out to everybody who walks up to newly bereaved parents. the title NOTTOSAY on the cover. But perhaps the best rendition of this quote was done by Tig Notaro. She got breast cancer, nearly died, double mastectomy, and her mother became seriously ill and then she got pneumonia and then her dog was run over. All in short order. it’s worth looking up on YouTube. Thank you so much for sharing, and whatever life brings you. I hope you reach out and feel all of the other people who either can relate, or only say “I am so sorry, this must be so hard. Can I bring you a casserole?” and it better be tasty.
Sometimes, the best medicine is to laugh when that's all that's left to do, Cynthia. And, by the way, Tig is one of my heroes, love how she shows up in the world!
Thank you for allowing us to recognize the harm of the continued "I have to be able to handle anything" persona that we are expected to show to the world. Your words bring light to the damage of our shame when we cannot live up to the standard of "Superhumanity". We must be honest with ourselves about the complexity of our lives and our struggles, and how much we can actually handle before reaching total burnout.
On any given day, Susan, my bar is closer to "doing what I can" than "superhumanity." It's much more forgiving and attainable. Leaves more space for grace.
I loved this post immensely, then felt a deep sinking about half way when you mentioned a village. I would love to offer the thought also that whilst many of us don’t have the skills/resources/support to handle more than enough, many of us don’t also have access to a village. Just naming it as it’s not an easy ‘solution’ for many as it can often sound.
As a single parent carer to a child with severe ND and MH issues our village is almost extinct - circumstances, systems, location, family health issues, financial restraints. Sometimes that all adds up to not a whole lot of people around you or available to you.
I wholeheartedly agree it takes a village - I just wanted to name not all us of us can find/access/build a village…..so often I choose to believe I’m never facing more than I can handle because it gets me through another day. And for that I am grateful 🫶
Thanks for adding this in, Mary Ellen. So important to name and include how unique each person's circumstances are.
An excellent post-I especially relate to your idea of first wave pain-second wave shame. I know it, I just never could name it. As a chronic pain patient, I have no choice but to handle it. My "village" of family, friends, doctors can only do so much. Friends and family grow weary of the restrictions chronic pain puts on my life and by extension theirs. They can choose to walk away or look away. I cannot. So whether I use self-help, meditation, asking source/God for support or screaming into my pillow, I must and do handle sometimes more than I think I am able and I do this one minute at a time.
Pain has been a part of my journey as well, Alice. We hosted a recent conversation on the Good Life Project podcast with a dear friend, Samira, Rajabi, about "invisible pain," which often compounds the sense of isolation. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I think that trope was written by someone who's never been gobsmacked.
Indeed! And, I love that word - gobsmacked - Jeanine.
Thank you for this terrific post! I think we need more like it. There was a long stretch of time where all three of my children were suffering from life-threatening chronic illnesses. Unfortunately, my village thought that it would be better if only I thought the correct thoughts. The problem was that I was unenlightened. Obviously. Otherwise how could so many bad things be happening? I must have somehow deserved it.
It was devastating, and added so much more stress to my already overwrought nervous system. Then I became angry and during that extremely difficult time, I couldn’t find a way to explain how devastating their comments were.
It also seemed to me that they were doing it out of fear. If it could happen to me, then it could happen to anybody, even them and their kids. Luckily, I was able to find a trauma group where I was able to find support and not one single person said things like, “everything happens for a reason.” I think, if you took a vote, this would be the least favorite of people who are overwhelmed or in crisis. Makes me want to throw something.
Like Mary Ellen, I very often choose to believe that I can handle what comes my way. Not always, or at least not right away because some shit just seems impossible. But that’s my choice, nobody else gets to tell me what I can or can’t handle.
I think a big part of the problem lies in a lack of education. Not enough of us know how to be supportive when our friends and loved ones are in crisis or how to recognize and deal with the feelings it might bring up for us. The more of us who are talking about it, the better. ❤️ So appreciative of your thoughtful work.
This - "It also seemed to me that they were doing it out of fear. If it could happen to me, then it could happen to anybody, even them and their kids" - I think that's so true. It's often not out of malice, but rather not wanting to own the possibility of our own exposure. Thanks for sharing, Janet.
Thanks for this thoughtful post. It sure rings true for me. I’ve experienced that “advice” along with its double whammy “Everything happens for a reason" in the most overwhelming of circumstances. They brought no comfort. I really appreciate your exploration of this.
Ah, yes, Sheri, the old double whammy. Often well intended, rarely well received.
I needed this post so much. A simple, heartfelt thank you fron me. Life has thrown many curve balls at me recently and this has helped.xx
So glad it resonated, Clare. And thanks for the kind appreciation.
Thanks for bringing to life thoughts I’ve carried with me. How I cringe when I hear someone say, as you said, “the universe wouldn’t give you more than you can handle”-life and profound grief and circumstance can be too much.
And sometimes staring at it, in its rawness, is all you can do.
Karen - agreed, sometimes, "staring at it, in its rawness" is what we're left with. And, it that's what we have, it's what we do.
Such a refreshing post after way too much of “ you must manifest abundance and the universe will support”” bullshit going around on social media esp youtube. Too much “sprouting”, too little genuine love, care, empathy and support for those struggling with overload, mental and financial in a post covid world. Thank you very much, Jonathan. A real gem.
So agree, Yolande. Love, care, empathy, and support are in far too short supply these days. Here's to working to bring them back in the year to come.
Merry Christmas to you and your fam🙌🏻🎄
2024 has been an incredibly challenging year for me. I lost a business to a takeover - lots of emotions to process there. I made a choice to leave, and it was a good decision. My support system is deep and I’ve leaned on them heavily. Wake-Up Call #35 put words to a bill of goods I was sold by well- meaning coaches/friends - it’s all mind-set and all up to me. I’m not one to shirk responsibility on problems I’m involved in, but this advice felt very much like blame/shame. If I just changed my mindset - it would all be better. So continue to be a contrarian, Friend. We in the trenches, need you. Thank you!
Sounds so tough, Elizabeth. Thanks for sharing. So glad your support system is deep, and you've leaned on them. Imagine a world where we all have people like that.
Thank You for this post. I have read this simple phrase so many times but this year has proven it to be thoroughly incorrect & ill thought. This year has & continues to throw more pain & stressfull events at me than I have ever known. I have just about kept my head above water but continuous toxicity at work is proving to be the straw to break the camels back. At the end of a year of loss, cancer & utter, bitter dissapointment I had reached the "this is more than I can bear". You're right, that brings guilt & a sense of failure. Thank You for this, I needed to read this to know that I am not failing, simply struggling to keep afloat just now.
Thanks for sharing, Tracey. Sounds like an incredibly challenging year. You are not failing, just doing the best you can in this human experience, which is sometimes just hard.
Love this post! Thank you 🙏 It's grounded in reality because ad resourceful as we are as humans, sometimes life deals us a hand where we need to seek out support or help. It doesn't mean we've failed or are less than a whole human being. I think there's a lot of awareness I'm realising we can't handle something and a lot of strength in reaching out elsewhere 🩷
Reaching out, if we're gifted with those to be present for us, truly can be a source of strength, even if it doesn't remove the pain.
As a support person for a rotating group of grieving parents for over 30 years, the laughs come from quoting the stupidest things that we are told in order to “comfort.” The one you cite in your marvelous essay is toward the top. Then there is the “Christian“ who says with great authority that Jesus must have needed your child more than you did. Oh, I feel so much better. It goes and on we have imagined creating a book of our own, to hand it out to everybody who walks up to newly bereaved parents. the title NOTTOSAY on the cover. But perhaps the best rendition of this quote was done by Tig Notaro. She got breast cancer, nearly died, double mastectomy, and her mother became seriously ill and then she got pneumonia and then her dog was run over. All in short order. it’s worth looking up on YouTube. Thank you so much for sharing, and whatever life brings you. I hope you reach out and feel all of the other people who either can relate, or only say “I am so sorry, this must be so hard. Can I bring you a casserole?” and it better be tasty.
Sometimes, the best medicine is to laugh when that's all that's left to do, Cynthia. And, by the way, Tig is one of my heroes, love how she shows up in the world!
Thank you for allowing us to recognize the harm of the continued "I have to be able to handle anything" persona that we are expected to show to the world. Your words bring light to the damage of our shame when we cannot live up to the standard of "Superhumanity". We must be honest with ourselves about the complexity of our lives and our struggles, and how much we can actually handle before reaching total burnout.
On any given day, Susan, my bar is closer to "doing what I can" than "superhumanity." It's much more forgiving and attainable. Leaves more space for grace.
Well said. Reminds me of the excellent book by Christopher Wallis, "Near Enemies of the Truth" - https://hareesh.org/nearenemies .
Ah, will have to check that out, Caitlin.
‘You got this,’ some say.
Sometimes we’ve got what it takes.
Other times we don’t.
Still, other times, we just don't know. ;-)
Beautifully put Jonathan 😊
Thanks, Vicki. Glad it resonated.