Is saying, "life won't give you more than you can handle," making things worse? Learn why this popular myth causes shame, and discover healthier ways to navigate life's toughest challenges.
2024 has been an incredibly challenging year for me. I lost a business to a takeover - lots of emotions to process there. I made a choice to leave, and it was a good decision. My support system is deep and I’ve leaned on them heavily. Wake-Up Call #35 put words to a bill of goods I was sold by well- meaning coaches/friends - it’s all mind-set and all up to me. I’m not one to shirk responsibility on problems I’m involved in, but this advice felt very much like blame/shame. If I just changed my mindset - it would all be better. So continue to be a contrarian, Friend. We in the trenches, need you. Thank you!
Sounds so tough, Elizabeth. Thanks for sharing. So glad your support system is deep, and you've leaned on them. Imagine a world where we all have people like that.
As a support person for a rotating group of grieving parents for over 30 years, the laughs come from quoting the stupidest things that we are told in order to “comfort.” The one you cite in your marvelous essay is toward the top. Then there is the “Christian“ who says with great authority that Jesus must have needed your child more than you did. Oh, I feel so much better. It goes and on we have imagined creating a book of our own, to hand it out to everybody who walks up to newly bereaved parents. the title NOTTOSAY on the cover. But perhaps the best rendition of this quote was done by Tig Notaro. She got breast cancer, nearly died, double mastectomy, and her mother became seriously ill and then she got pneumonia and then her dog was run over. All in short order. it’s worth looking up on YouTube. Thank you so much for sharing, and whatever life brings you. I hope you reach out and feel all of the other people who either can relate, or only say “I am so sorry, this must be so hard. Can I bring you a casserole?” and it better be tasty.
Sometimes, the best medicine is to laugh when that's all that's left to do, Cynthia. And, by the way, Tig is one of my heroes, love how she shows up in the world!
Thank you for allowing us to recognize the harm of the continued "I have to be able to handle anything" persona that we are expected to show to the world. Your words bring light to the damage of our shame when we cannot live up to the standard of "Superhumanity". We must be honest with ourselves about the complexity of our lives and our struggles, and how much we can actually handle before reaching total burnout.
On any given day, Susan, my bar is closer to "doing what I can" than "superhumanity." It's much more forgiving and attainable. Leaves more space for grace.
I appreciate this deeply (also as a contrarian voice in the often-silly personal-development industry). I can name plenty of incredible people who were overwhelmed by life circumstances, under-resourced in the most crucial ways, and we lost them forever. I do understand the all-too-human instinct to want to believe life has natural laws that ultimately work in our favor, and perhaps it does in a deeper space-time, karmic view, but the idea that we're dealt challenging circumstances in accordance with our capacities is, as you noted, delusional, reductionist, and a cause of its own form of suffering. Thank you for this loving reminder.
Also, Jonathan, you might enjoy this post I wrote that tackles another common misunderstanding in spiritual or wellness communities...doing our part to bust some myths. Blessings to you.
I’ve always hated this saying!! Life often gives us more than we can handle, and this is so reminiscent of the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” sentiment that IS JUST CRUEL when people are really suffering.
I loved everything about this post and it resonated deeply with the beyond stressful time I’ve had both at work and at home recently. End of last week, I managed to resurface from the second wave shame, gasping and spluttering and seeing clearly for the first time in weeks. I realised that all the physical and cognitive manifestations of ‘too much’ were my body reminding me - warning me - that I have been here before, it’s not right for me, and if I don’t make a change it’ll force me to stop. I’ve reached out to my village of family, friends and colleagues who have all said the same thing: you are not the problem. I’ve somehow recalibrated on the back of those conversations and found my way back to the core. Sure, it’s not a wobble-free zone but I feel more hopeful.
This post beautifully articulates what so many of us know but which the current self-help culture does not care to acknowledge; sometimes everything actually is too much. Thank you for naming it so well.
Thank you for this terrific post! I think we need more like it. There was a long stretch of time where all three of my children were suffering from life-threatening chronic illnesses. Unfortunately, my village thought that it would be better if only I thought the correct thoughts. The problem was that I was unenlightened. Obviously. Otherwise how could so many bad things be happening? I must have somehow deserved it.
It was devastating, and added so much more stress to my already overwrought nervous system. Then I became angry and during that extremely difficult time, I couldn’t find a way to explain how devastating their comments were.
It also seemed to me that they were doing it out of fear. If it could happen to me, then it could happen to anybody, even them and their kids. Luckily, I was able to find a trauma group where I was able to find support and not one single person said things like, “everything happens for a reason.” I think, if you took a vote, this would be the least favorite of people who are overwhelmed or in crisis. Makes me want to throw something.
Like Mary Ellen, I very often choose to believe that I can handle what comes my way. Not always, or at least not right away because some shit just seems impossible. But that’s my choice, nobody else gets to tell me what I can or can’t handle.
I think a big part of the problem lies in a lack of education. Not enough of us know how to be supportive when our friends and loved ones are in crisis or how to recognize and deal with the feelings it might bring up for us. The more of us who are talking about it, the better. ❤️ So appreciative of your thoughtful work.
This - "It also seemed to me that they were doing it out of fear. If it could happen to me, then it could happen to anybody, even them and their kids" - I think that's so true. It's often not out of malice, but rather not wanting to own the possibility of our own exposure. Thanks for sharing, Janet.
Thank You for this post. I have read this simple phrase so many times but this year has proven it to be thoroughly incorrect & ill thought. This year has & continues to throw more pain & stressfull events at me than I have ever known. I have just about kept my head above water but continuous toxicity at work is proving to be the straw to break the camels back. At the end of a year of loss, cancer & utter, bitter dissapointment I had reached the "this is more than I can bear". You're right, that brings guilt & a sense of failure. Thank You for this, I needed to read this to know that I am not failing, simply struggling to keep afloat just now.
Thanks for sharing, Tracey. Sounds like an incredibly challenging year. You are not failing, just doing the best you can in this human experience, which is sometimes just hard.
Love this post! Thank you 🙏 It's grounded in reality because ad resourceful as we are as humans, sometimes life deals us a hand where we need to seek out support or help. It doesn't mean we've failed or are less than a whole human being. I think there's a lot of awareness I'm realising we can't handle something and a lot of strength in reaching out elsewhere 🩷
I nearly wept with relief. Bravo.
‘You got this,’ some say.
Sometimes we’ve got what it takes.
Other times we don’t.
Still, other times, we just don't know. ;-)
2024 has been an incredibly challenging year for me. I lost a business to a takeover - lots of emotions to process there. I made a choice to leave, and it was a good decision. My support system is deep and I’ve leaned on them heavily. Wake-Up Call #35 put words to a bill of goods I was sold by well- meaning coaches/friends - it’s all mind-set and all up to me. I’m not one to shirk responsibility on problems I’m involved in, but this advice felt very much like blame/shame. If I just changed my mindset - it would all be better. So continue to be a contrarian, Friend. We in the trenches, need you. Thank you!
Sounds so tough, Elizabeth. Thanks for sharing. So glad your support system is deep, and you've leaned on them. Imagine a world where we all have people like that.
Beautifully put Jonathan 😊
Thanks, Vicki. Glad it resonated.
As a support person for a rotating group of grieving parents for over 30 years, the laughs come from quoting the stupidest things that we are told in order to “comfort.” The one you cite in your marvelous essay is toward the top. Then there is the “Christian“ who says with great authority that Jesus must have needed your child more than you did. Oh, I feel so much better. It goes and on we have imagined creating a book of our own, to hand it out to everybody who walks up to newly bereaved parents. the title NOTTOSAY on the cover. But perhaps the best rendition of this quote was done by Tig Notaro. She got breast cancer, nearly died, double mastectomy, and her mother became seriously ill and then she got pneumonia and then her dog was run over. All in short order. it’s worth looking up on YouTube. Thank you so much for sharing, and whatever life brings you. I hope you reach out and feel all of the other people who either can relate, or only say “I am so sorry, this must be so hard. Can I bring you a casserole?” and it better be tasty.
Sometimes, the best medicine is to laugh when that's all that's left to do, Cynthia. And, by the way, Tig is one of my heroes, love how she shows up in the world!
Thank you for allowing us to recognize the harm of the continued "I have to be able to handle anything" persona that we are expected to show to the world. Your words bring light to the damage of our shame when we cannot live up to the standard of "Superhumanity". We must be honest with ourselves about the complexity of our lives and our struggles, and how much we can actually handle before reaching total burnout.
On any given day, Susan, my bar is closer to "doing what I can" than "superhumanity." It's much more forgiving and attainable. Leaves more space for grace.
Thank you for this….deeply
I appreciate this deeply (also as a contrarian voice in the often-silly personal-development industry). I can name plenty of incredible people who were overwhelmed by life circumstances, under-resourced in the most crucial ways, and we lost them forever. I do understand the all-too-human instinct to want to believe life has natural laws that ultimately work in our favor, and perhaps it does in a deeper space-time, karmic view, but the idea that we're dealt challenging circumstances in accordance with our capacities is, as you noted, delusional, reductionist, and a cause of its own form of suffering. Thank you for this loving reminder.
Also, Jonathan, you might enjoy this post I wrote that tackles another common misunderstanding in spiritual or wellness communities...doing our part to bust some myths. Blessings to you.
https://nothingintheway.substack.com/p/everything-is-not-illuminated
I’ve always hated this saying!! Life often gives us more than we can handle, and this is so reminiscent of the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” sentiment that IS JUST CRUEL when people are really suffering.
I loved everything about this post and it resonated deeply with the beyond stressful time I’ve had both at work and at home recently. End of last week, I managed to resurface from the second wave shame, gasping and spluttering and seeing clearly for the first time in weeks. I realised that all the physical and cognitive manifestations of ‘too much’ were my body reminding me - warning me - that I have been here before, it’s not right for me, and if I don’t make a change it’ll force me to stop. I’ve reached out to my village of family, friends and colleagues who have all said the same thing: you are not the problem. I’ve somehow recalibrated on the back of those conversations and found my way back to the core. Sure, it’s not a wobble-free zone but I feel more hopeful.
I think that trope was written by someone who's never been gobsmacked.
Indeed! And, I love that word - gobsmacked - Jeanine.
This post beautifully articulates what so many of us know but which the current self-help culture does not care to acknowledge; sometimes everything actually is too much. Thank you for naming it so well.
Thank you for this terrific post! I think we need more like it. There was a long stretch of time where all three of my children were suffering from life-threatening chronic illnesses. Unfortunately, my village thought that it would be better if only I thought the correct thoughts. The problem was that I was unenlightened. Obviously. Otherwise how could so many bad things be happening? I must have somehow deserved it.
It was devastating, and added so much more stress to my already overwrought nervous system. Then I became angry and during that extremely difficult time, I couldn’t find a way to explain how devastating their comments were.
It also seemed to me that they were doing it out of fear. If it could happen to me, then it could happen to anybody, even them and their kids. Luckily, I was able to find a trauma group where I was able to find support and not one single person said things like, “everything happens for a reason.” I think, if you took a vote, this would be the least favorite of people who are overwhelmed or in crisis. Makes me want to throw something.
Like Mary Ellen, I very often choose to believe that I can handle what comes my way. Not always, or at least not right away because some shit just seems impossible. But that’s my choice, nobody else gets to tell me what I can or can’t handle.
I think a big part of the problem lies in a lack of education. Not enough of us know how to be supportive when our friends and loved ones are in crisis or how to recognize and deal with the feelings it might bring up for us. The more of us who are talking about it, the better. ❤️ So appreciative of your thoughtful work.
This - "It also seemed to me that they were doing it out of fear. If it could happen to me, then it could happen to anybody, even them and their kids" - I think that's so true. It's often not out of malice, but rather not wanting to own the possibility of our own exposure. Thanks for sharing, Janet.
Thank You for this post. I have read this simple phrase so many times but this year has proven it to be thoroughly incorrect & ill thought. This year has & continues to throw more pain & stressfull events at me than I have ever known. I have just about kept my head above water but continuous toxicity at work is proving to be the straw to break the camels back. At the end of a year of loss, cancer & utter, bitter dissapointment I had reached the "this is more than I can bear". You're right, that brings guilt & a sense of failure. Thank You for this, I needed to read this to know that I am not failing, simply struggling to keep afloat just now.
Thanks for sharing, Tracey. Sounds like an incredibly challenging year. You are not failing, just doing the best you can in this human experience, which is sometimes just hard.
Well said. Reminds me of the excellent book by Christopher Wallis, "Near Enemies of the Truth" - https://hareesh.org/nearenemies .
Ah, will have to check that out, Caitlin.
Love this post! Thank you 🙏 It's grounded in reality because ad resourceful as we are as humans, sometimes life deals us a hand where we need to seek out support or help. It doesn't mean we've failed or are less than a whole human being. I think there's a lot of awareness I'm realising we can't handle something and a lot of strength in reaching out elsewhere 🩷
Reaching out, if we're gifted with those to be present for us, truly can be a source of strength, even if it doesn't remove the pain.