My husband died in August of 2021 after living with incurable cancer for 3 years. He was 53, our son was 9. Thank you for validating that the grief process does not automatically lead to growth. As someone with lifelong anxiety and depression I was especially well resourced after years of cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, breathing techniques, medication, and writing. We had life insurance, so I was okay financially as well. Even with a full toolbox, it hasn’t been easy. Navigating grief in a death and grief averse society is challenging. Finding widow groups has helped tremendously, but it took me 2 years to let myself grieve my husband. I spent a lot of time distracting myself and trying to move forward, but that was impossible without acknowledging and feeling my loss. Find people who can sit with grief without trying to fix it or make it go away. I prefer the saying, “feel it to heal it” although I prefer healing ❤️🩹. I don’t think I’ll ever be healed, but healing is good enough for me.
Boy does this resonate! My sister is a lifelong sufferer of undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She just has pain & no resources. I am much more fortunate & practice the “5” to help with my painful episodes. If one is sick, one does not see the 5 as helpful or desirable, & the spiral goes down. This post is such a helpful reminder for those who can use tools to alleviate suffering.
I resonate with Jensen Huang's statement. Great works of art and scientific breakthroughs were borne out of pain and suffering. Show me a work of art by artist who hasn't felt the full brunt of life's slings and arrows, and I'll paint you a picture of mediocrity.
I'm not glorying pain and suffering. Nobody would want to wish that to another. But coming up with strategies to mitigate is a little short-sighted.
If you get hit by a car suddenly whilst crossing a street and discovered later that you're paralyzed from waist down, you might want to revisit this article.
We actually agree. The bigger idea is not to devalue pain and suffering as holding the potential for growth, but rather to recognize that this only happens when the individual is well enough resourced to make this alchemy happen.
Truth is, most people, do not have this capacity—the inner and outer resources—to turn pain into possibility.
I disagree with this assumption. Everyone is capable of this.
Proof: The U.S. Marine Corps turns millions of boys into men and girls into women during boot camp by applying the concepts described in this piece. Only #5 is not required but is recommended.
The experience and subsequent service has created a cadre of men and women equipped to become leaders and creatives.
Great clarification, Louis. A clearer expression would have been to write "most people do not have the inner and outer resources," rather than speaking to any innate capacity. Editing that for clarity now.
Most everyone has the ability to acquire these resources. But, on any given day, many, if not most, people do not have them to draw upon. So, assuming pain and suffering always leading to growth, without also inviting people to explore cultivating their internal and external resources, often isn't helpful.
The Mind Over Chatter resource is fab, thank you!! Good for both myself and my clients. Sharing a voice, public speaking, can bring up SO much chatter!!
So much practical advice, really thoughtful as always. I still work on the lack of trust from family of origin beginnings. These are such deeply entrenched things!
Thank u as always Jonathan. Your post resonated and so usable with signposting to other resources. I'm off to checkout the mind-chatter link. Help with my brain-babble!
Lovely exploration of dealing with difficulty and suffering Jonathan! I use the various tools you suggest here. Mindfulness, journaling, walking and a quiet cup of tea the ones I use most often.
I also have the power of now. Being present in this moment, understanding I have all I need in this moment.
All of these plus gratitude journaling are getting me through the most challenging time of my life right now. Not just getting through it, doing so without worry or fear (most of the time). Finding and realizing possibilities…light in the darkness.
I realize that I didn't fully appreciate or access help or tools like the ones you mentioned in my early years. Now, many years later, I have no choice but to use everything I can to deal with the bumps, big and small. Timing and maturity played a large role in greater success in this realm. Thanks for this article.
I would say I wasn’t very well equipped to respond to my first serious time of suffering (burnout). I made it worse for a long time. Then my inability to deal with it forced me to find another way. So the suffering became a gift, in that it challenged me to change. Even when we are not equipped very well (are any of us really, until we must?), suffering and pain can be the great catalysts for growth.
They first invite (or force) us to do things differently. They are the motivators to move from one category to the other. People often don’t feel the need to really change, unless they suffer.
Then, after I discovered that suffering can hold treasures, I started to relate to it differently. Next time it came knocking on my door it was still hard—and very enriching.
I do also acknowledge that not everyone finds this road, which is usually very understandable, and quite hard to witness.
My husband died in August of 2021 after living with incurable cancer for 3 years. He was 53, our son was 9. Thank you for validating that the grief process does not automatically lead to growth. As someone with lifelong anxiety and depression I was especially well resourced after years of cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, breathing techniques, medication, and writing. We had life insurance, so I was okay financially as well. Even with a full toolbox, it hasn’t been easy. Navigating grief in a death and grief averse society is challenging. Finding widow groups has helped tremendously, but it took me 2 years to let myself grieve my husband. I spent a lot of time distracting myself and trying to move forward, but that was impossible without acknowledging and feeling my loss. Find people who can sit with grief without trying to fix it or make it go away. I prefer the saying, “feel it to heal it” although I prefer healing ❤️🩹. I don’t think I’ll ever be healed, but healing is good enough for me.
Sometimes being with it, and feeling held and seen by those moving through similar hardship, is what helps most. Thanks for sharing.
Boy does this resonate! My sister is a lifelong sufferer of undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She just has pain & no resources. I am much more fortunate & practice the “5” to help with my painful episodes. If one is sick, one does not see the 5 as helpful or desirable, & the spiral goes down. This post is such a helpful reminder for those who can use tools to alleviate suffering.
So glad you've found the 5 helpful in feeling more resourced.
I resonate with Jensen Huang's statement. Great works of art and scientific breakthroughs were borne out of pain and suffering. Show me a work of art by artist who hasn't felt the full brunt of life's slings and arrows, and I'll paint you a picture of mediocrity.
I'm not glorying pain and suffering. Nobody would want to wish that to another. But coming up with strategies to mitigate is a little short-sighted.
If you get hit by a car suddenly whilst crossing a street and discovered later that you're paralyzed from waist down, you might want to revisit this article.
We actually agree. The bigger idea is not to devalue pain and suffering as holding the potential for growth, but rather to recognize that this only happens when the individual is well enough resourced to make this alchemy happen.
Truth is, most people, do not have this capacity—the inner and outer resources—to turn pain into possibility.
I disagree with this assumption. Everyone is capable of this.
Proof: The U.S. Marine Corps turns millions of boys into men and girls into women during boot camp by applying the concepts described in this piece. Only #5 is not required but is recommended.
The experience and subsequent service has created a cadre of men and women equipped to become leaders and creatives.
Great clarification, Louis. A clearer expression would have been to write "most people do not have the inner and outer resources," rather than speaking to any innate capacity. Editing that for clarity now.
Most everyone has the ability to acquire these resources. But, on any given day, many, if not most, people do not have them to draw upon. So, assuming pain and suffering always leading to growth, without also inviting people to explore cultivating their internal and external resources, often isn't helpful.
The Mind Over Chatter resource is fab, thank you!! Good for both myself and my clients. Sharing a voice, public speaking, can bring up SO much chatter!!
So much practical advice, really thoughtful as always. I still work on the lack of trust from family of origin beginnings. These are such deeply entrenched things!
Thank u as always Jonathan. Your post resonated and so usable with signposting to other resources. I'm off to checkout the mind-chatter link. Help with my brain-babble!
Lovely exploration of dealing with difficulty and suffering Jonathan! I use the various tools you suggest here. Mindfulness, journaling, walking and a quiet cup of tea the ones I use most often.
I have all 5 of these tools in my toolbox.
I also have the power of now. Being present in this moment, understanding I have all I need in this moment.
All of these plus gratitude journaling are getting me through the most challenging time of my life right now. Not just getting through it, doing so without worry or fear (most of the time). Finding and realizing possibilities…light in the darkness.
These are such powerful tools!!
I realize that I didn't fully appreciate or access help or tools like the ones you mentioned in my early years. Now, many years later, I have no choice but to use everything I can to deal with the bumps, big and small. Timing and maturity played a large role in greater success in this realm. Thanks for this article.
Interesting point!
I would say I wasn’t very well equipped to respond to my first serious time of suffering (burnout). I made it worse for a long time. Then my inability to deal with it forced me to find another way. So the suffering became a gift, in that it challenged me to change. Even when we are not equipped very well (are any of us really, until we must?), suffering and pain can be the great catalysts for growth.
They first invite (or force) us to do things differently. They are the motivators to move from one category to the other. People often don’t feel the need to really change, unless they suffer.
Then, after I discovered that suffering can hold treasures, I started to relate to it differently. Next time it came knocking on my door it was still hard—and very enriching.
I do also acknowledge that not everyone finds this road, which is usually very understandable, and quite hard to witness.