What's worth wanting?
Wake-Up Call #48
We all want.
It’s part of being human.
Even if the want is to stop wanting.
It’s part of what wakes us up, motivates us to act.
We invest ourselves in making real the things we want to have or happen.
If we didn’t want, nothing would ever change. In our lives. Or, the world around us.
Problem is, much of what we want—maybe even lust after—isn’t worth wanting.
Here’s what I mean…
Most wants exist on a superficial level, things like:
Nicer clothes
Closer friends
A comfy home
Time with family
More money, savings
A better job, car, computer, phone (insert thing)
Time to write, paint, nap
These are the tangible wants. The things we can point to. The ones we can say, “that, I want that.”
But, underneath every surface-level want lies a feeling, or a gaggle of feelings.
We want to feel…
Safe
Seen
Alive
Secure
At peace
In control
Respected
Fully-expressed
A sense of purpose
Like we matter
Competent
Embraced
Worthy
Rested
Happy
Loved
Well
And, countless other feelings
We want the surface-level thing, often, because it’s the easier thing to point to. The publicly-acceptable thing. Or the thing we’ve tested, and confirmed it gets us to the feeling.
But, sometimes, we focus on the surface-level want, because it’s too hard for us to just come out and say what we really want is the feeling we believe it will give us.
Why is it so hard to go there?
It means we’re not feeling it now. Or, at least, not enough.
That opens the door to vulnerability, and the fear of being perceived as lesser than, needy, in lack. Not just by others, but in our own minds. We’ll do almost anything to avoid this, despite the fact that standing in our own vulnerability may be the single most compelling source of connection.
So, we point to the surface-level thing, believing it’ll get us to the feeling. And, we move all manner of effort, resources, and time to get it, or to make it happen.
Then, far too often than is comfortable, this interesting thing happens.
We make the want happen. But, we still don’t have the feeling.
Two were never really connected. And, we never kicked the tires to find out.
Question I’ve been asking myself lately…
How much of my life have I served up to a quest or cause, gotten exactly what I wanted, then realized, “well, damn, I don’t feel the way I thought I’d feel?”
Turns out, way too often, the object of our desire was never worth wanting.
Never capable of delivering on the promise of what you hoped it would give you, or how it’d make you feel.
We never asked, is it really worth wanting? And, beneath that, we never added, “what is the likelihood that achieving it, having it, or making it happen will make me feel the way I want to feel?”
If it doesn’t, it was never worth wanting. Never worth working for. Never worth suffering in the name of. Never worth the single most precious, and the one-and-only non-renewable resource we have—time.
The cost of this disconnect between what we want, and what’s worth wanting, individually, is gobsmacking. Lost years. Lost relationships. Lost health. Lost money. Lost peace. Lost ease. Lost life.
The cost, collectively, is downright devastating.
So, what do we do about it?
Go ahead and explore the opening question, “what do I want?”
It’s important. It matters. Don’t stop there.
Then ask, “is it worth wanting?”
And, “how can I know?”
Often, the answer lies in identifying the underlying feelings you hoped the surface-level want will give you. We can use the surface-level want as a compass that points to the deeper feeling.
Tease this out. It may be uncomfortable. It may mean facing a hard truth. That you don’t currently have these in your life. Or, at least, not on a level that feels good. Still, do the work.
Ask, what will having or achieving this do for me, or make me feel, that I don’t currently feel? Or, feel enough?
Closer, now. But, still more work…
Now, ask, “what is the likelihood that making this surface-level thing happen will give me the feeling that is the truer, deeper want? What is the evidence? How can I know what’s real, and what’s delusion? What’s fantasy, and what’s likely? How can I test this hypothesis, before going all in?”
Deepen into these questions. Ask. Research. Run your own micro-experiments to replace assumptions with facts. Chunk it down, start to act, and look for signs it’s getting you closer to the deeper want.
If this process of inquiry supports your expectation that the surface want will deliver on the promise of the deeper, desired feeling. Have at it. Or, now that you know what you really want, ask if there might be a more direct, ease-filled path to the feeling.
If it’s not clear, keep running tiny experiments and look not just for progress toward the goal, but insight toward the feeling.
If your evidence, both hard and felt, suggests the feeling you so yearn to experience is not, in fact, likely to be realized by achieving the goal, maybe it’s time to lay down your quest. Take back your time. Your energy. Your resources. Your life.
The good news is, the process has moved you closer to understanding what you’re really in search of.
Maybe some other surface-level want will deliver a more direct path to the feeling.
Or, maybe, just maybe, the feeling you so deeply desire, and deserve, is more readily born of inner work than outer quests.
At the end of the day, most of what’s truly worth wanting is an inside game. Or, at least a blend of outer-circumstance and inner-awakening.
With a whole lotta love & gratitude,
Jonathan
Wake-Up Call 348 | What’s worth wanting.
Well, this time, it looks like I’ve already added the “what to explore” part up above.
Take some time. Bring a current want into your mind. Then, ask the questions posed. Or, if you’re exploring or have crafted other, valuable ways to discern what’s wanting, by all means, lean on them. And share in the comments, I’d love to learn from you.
Give your answers time to breathe. Some’ll come fast. Others need to simmer. And, some may be hard to accept, yet critical to know.
As always, just thinking out loud. Take it all with a giant grain of soul salt.
Walk with it. Think on it. And, if you’re inclined, share what comes up in the comments.
The seeking and the discovery of what truly nourishes us is so often an inner path. And then to step out into the world with these longings to be seen, celebrated, held, and understood is a leap into mystery and grace and knowing. It’s a blustery predawn morning here. The winds are making the Southern Pines sway. Thank you for your voice, Jonathan. Thank you for the wise guidance and curious inquiries. Take care.
The "itch of desire (or want)". Should I itch it?
Will it go after I've itched?
Do I scratch it beyond the point I hurt myself (or others)?
And even then do I scratch some more?
My latest "want" is to consider how to drop the wanting.
To find a way not to pursue that next thing.
Is the desire for the goal "over there" sending me subconscious messages that the place I am today is not the place to be.
That here and now is not good enough. Even more, that I am not good enough.
What would happen though if one said they were good enough, as they are, today.
Would we lose our drive for improvement, would we become static, would we lose the lust and passion for life? Are we designed to strive? To reach, to challenge, to grow through stimulus?
Thank you Jonathan for the space and the prompt to consider.