Success Version 1 | Compounding Money.
Popular lore says you go to school, graduate at 22, then spend the next 25-30 years with your head down, working your ass off. You’re young, you’ve got lots of time, energy, and little to lose.
Long hours, big risks, make big bucks. Then, squirrel away as much as you can. Save and invest. It’s about banking and growing cash and cachet, during the years your mind and body have the gas in the tank to support the all-in build early, then kick back approach.
By the time you’re in your 50s, the fruits of your labor, in the form of status and money, will have compounded so much you’ll finally be able to breathe. To have real, lasting choices for the rest of your life. To provide for your family.
This is the lure. And, for a relatively small coterie of humans, it works. But, more often, people start down this road, but experience a very different end to their stories.
Two ways this approach can go sideways…
1 | It’s often based on the wisdom of the few who survive it.
What this approach doesn’t account for is the fact that most people who follow this path don’t actually end up with a life-changing stack of money in the bank. They accumulate responsibility and ratchet up their cost structure to match their earnings. Sure, they bank some of it, but generally don’t put nearly as much of it away or invest it as you’d expect. Or, as they’re “supposed to.”
They sacrifice so much of the day-to-day joys of being present in their lives, and the lives of those they love for so long, but they don’t end up with the security they hoped for and expected. So, once they land in their 50s, they find they need to keep working as hard as they ever did. And continue to live a life that is far more removed from their partners, kids, friends, activities they love, health, than they wished for. Or, thought they’d have earned by then.
The only thing they’ve actually compounded is stress and complexity, worsening health, deepening loneliness, and the depth and quality of the relationships they have with the very people they say they did it all for. And meant it.
2 | Delusional Cost Assessment
We are so good at seeing what we want to see, and ignoring what we’d rather not own.
Lets say you follow this approach and do, in fact, knock it out of the part. You make a lot, save and invest early and often, and do incredibly well with compounding interest and capital gains, leading to financial wealth. By the time you’re in your 50s, you are financially free.
Yes, this is pretty damn awesome. Not gonna lie.
Doesn’t mean you stop working, but you no longer have to. You now have a level of choice, optionality, that simply didn’t exist before. Amazing. Not taking anything away from it. It’s what we all want.
Question is, at what cost. Sometimes, and these are the much rarer examples, financial bounty is built on the back of an equally fierce commitment to family, friends, love, mental and physical health. They grow together, lock-step. it can happen, but the more common story is radically different.
When you’re that all-in on the money and status side of things early on, there is still a very real risk that the toll it takes is not just that you never hit your money nut. But, also that when you arrive at the level of glorious abundance you’ve given your life to, you have no one left to share it with that you genuinely care about. Or, that genuinely cares about you. And you’re mental and physical health are holding on by a thread. Yet, you tell yourself the story that, still, those things are either repairable, or replaceable.
And, maybe, in fact, they are. But, what if they’re not…
There is a huge element of survivor bias in the whole concept. The few who say yes to this approach and do end up knocking wealth, access, status and opportunity out of the park AND somehow stay deeply connected and well along the way profess this approach to the moon. Because it’s worked so well for them. They survived, so, as a general principle this whole approach must have universal legs.
I’m not saying heads-down, work like crazy, bank your Benjamins and watch them compound cannot work. For some, it can. And, it does. I’m just saying, get really clear on the soft costs, which are often the very things that make life worth living. Ask what’d happen if you still worked hard, saved and invested, benefitted from that compound interest, but also did it in a way that created more space for presence and life along the way. Even if that meant you’d hit your number a decade or two late. It’s about making a conscious choice, and understanding what’s truly at risk.
Success Version 2 | Compounding Presence.
What if instead of focusing on working insanely hard, amassing as much money as possible as quickly as you can, saving and investing and rocking that compound interest on money, you focused more on the compound interest that comes from being fiercely there in the lives of those you care most about. And, at a time they care most about you being there?
I’m not saying to abandon hard work, saving, investing and growing. But, what if you reoriented it to a level that let you be present and engaged in your non-work life along the way?
What is the compound interest on you being emotionally present and deeply engaged during the early years of a relationship with a partner?
What is the compounded effect of being there in those early years when, should you choose to bring kids into the world, they need you most? When everything is spinny and, even if they push you away, they want to know you’re there for them?
What is the compound interest on being involved, saying I love you, then showing you mean it, making them feel safe, seen, and accepted? Showing up when life gets hard? Being there for the celebrations and the sacrifices? For the painful moments, stumbles, fumbles, losses, debacles, redemptions, recoveries, and triumphs? Being the embodiment of ever present love and trust and acceptance and guidance when they need it most?
Before they head into the world. And the very practical window to forge this depth of connection begins to close.
What is the compound interest on having such a close bond with those you love - friends, family, chosen family, and community - that they trust you, share with you, invite you in? A sounding board when asked, and a safe place to land when needed?
What is the compound interest on being there early and often, even if it means leaving money on the table, and having to make some of that up down the road?
What is the exponential impact on your life, on their lives, and everyone you all interact with? Not just in the moment. But, for the rest of your and their days?
No one talks about this.
No one offers this contrast to the classic narrative that says put your head down, surrender your life to work for the first two to three decades, compound your wealth, then circle back and assume your life will be there for you, your relationships will survive, your kids will know, love and trust you, and you them.
And, I don’t know why.
Again, I’m not saying don’t work hard, make money, save, invest, and benefit from the early compounding effect over time. Nor am I proclaiming that I’ve done this right in my own life. At times, I’ve been all over the place and, in hindsight, might’ve made different calls.
I’m simply saying, own the truth of the money centric paradigm, and the potential costs. And, also acknowledge there’s something other than money that can both compound, or be destroyed, over time.
Presence, trust, and love.
When you focus solely on the money side, you often unwittingly gut the relational side. Which, according to a metric tonne of research, is singularly determinative of a life worth living. And once you’ve lost or broken those bonds, it’s a far harder thing to fix, or live with, than it is to find ways to put more money in the bank.
Is there really any greater wealth in life than knowing there are people who see you, know you, love you, and have genuinely got you, and you’ve got them?
Curious, what’s your take…
Fun stuff & Happenings.
Cool new book alert - My dear friend,
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As a financial planner (specifically for women midlife and better) I really appreciate this post! Of course there are plenty of people, and clients of mine, who have worked their tails off and arrive in their 50’s without piles of cash, without that optionality that we all want. Yes, sometimes it can be addressed by reducing one’s cost of living, but many folks still need to continue to work. And ageism often gets in the way of their continuing the in the career or profession they’ve worked in for decades. That said, plenty of us reach our 50’s and start to reevaluate what’s important, and would like to reimagine and reinvent their relationships with work, and “wealth,” and their people. Sometimes my biggest challenge is trying to convince my clients that they can afford (money-wise) to take that family vacation, leave that job with the a**hole boss, take that bucket-list trip while their knees will still let them do all the walking it requires. Thanks for addressing this!
This is why I’ve been called back to your podcast and writing, over and over, for years. Your focus on meaning and connection resonates so strongly with me.
I’ve been moving from job to job for my entire adult life, prioritizing time with my family in whatever stage of life we happen to be in. I’ve criticized myself for not having created a career or made a decent income as a result, and at 47, the world is telling me that I’m far from ready for a comfortable financial retirement. Yet, my relationship with my kids, husband and family feels strong. I’ve also given much energy to my passion project, sharing about hikes and outdoor spaces, which has yet to bring in a decent income, but has been an energetic lifeline for over ten years! Thank you for reminding me that my path, an intentional one, is not a failure. Thank you for all of the wisdom you share, Jonathan!